At this point, humans should already be breakup experts by now – after all, it's something we've been doing for long enough. Precisely how long? It's a point that wise men have debated through centuries. According to Voltaire, "Divorce probably dates from the same time as marriage." Though, I think that marriage is a few weeks older. Breakup history dates as far back from the Bible, where almost every page is filled with romantic betrayal. According to Talmud myth, Adam had a first wife named Lilith, but she dumped him after he insisted on making her lie underneath him like a dead fish when having coitus.
4000 BC – Adam & Eve see each other naked. They try to be friends but it doesn't work out.
2500 BC – Noah guides animal couples onto his ark to save them from the flood; any animal not in a committed relationship gets washed away.
1674 BC – Greek God Zeus, king of heaven, marries his sister Hera, but immediately regrets his choice and starts screwing around with other gods and mortals alike. In the end, Zeus gets all press while poor Hera gets nothing but rope burn.
1200 BC – Menelaus launches the Trojan War after his wife , Helen of Troy, eloped with a bloke named Paris.
1179 BC – Odysseus leaves his wife, Penelope for 7 years while he goes around sleeping with other women. He then claims all this while he's trying to return to her.
990 BC – Even the very wise King David couldn't keep it in his pants when he saw the lovely but very married Bathsheba slipping into the tub.
47 BC – Mark Antony married his first paternal cousin, Antonia Hybrida Minor. Antony threw her out of his house in Rome, because she slept with his friend, the tribune Publius . Antony divorced her and they had a daughter.
40 BC – Mark Antony and Cleopatra VII have the first ever long distance relationship. However, it doesn't go so well as he falls on his own sword and she lets herself get bitten by an Egyptian Cobra. They're emotionally disturbed children were left to be raised by his ex wife, Octavia Minor
18 BC – In Rome, emperor Augustus passes a law permitting a man to kill any other man he finds screwing his wife in his own home
270 – Valentine, a priest in Rome is killed when he decides to marry young couples against Emperor Claudius II's orders. Claudius wants young men to stay single because he feels they'd make better soldiers. 200 years later, in his honor, the pope officially makes February 14 a day to be feared.
331 BC – Caesar Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus or simply known as Emperor Constantine I, forbids Roman women from seeking divorce except when their husbands are proven to be murderers, sorcerers, or tomb raiders.
826 – Pope Eugenius grants divorce in cases of adultery, and the non-adulterer can remarry. The adulterer however, cannot get remarried but can continue screwing with other people's spouses.
900 – In China, the Tang dynasty encourages unhappy couples to separate peacefully and happily by introducing no-fault divorce. Divorce agreements read such: "Since we cannot live together harmoniously, it is better to part ways. I hope that after the divorce, you will remain as young and beautiful as before, and may you find a better half. I hope that divorce will not plant hatred between us in the future." This way proved to futile as all that matters now is how much palimony is received and how much he pays in a divorce settlement.
1492 – Columbus stumbles upon America, leading to the first occurence of both STD's and pants in this hemisphere.
1533 – Henry VIII, king of England, marries longtime lover Anne Boleyn after 8 years of turmoil trying to get the Catholic Church to grant him a divorce from his first wife. Of course, he ends up executing his new wife after three years consequently after she commits adultery. Despite being fat and impotent, he goes on to kill and divorces his way through another four marriages
1564 – The Council of Trent officially sets down the Canon Law, forbidding divorce among Catholics
1583 – Gervase Babington, the bishop of Warwick becomes the first person ever to use the word heartbreak in his writings on the Commandments. He uses it in reference of daily grief experienced among people who are married. Though nowadays, the term has many uses, it can be applied to young couples that argue. Or towards the death of your cute little Chihuahua named Tinkerbell. Or regarding the handphone that you lost 2 months ago when you left it on the cashier. Or even the inability to buy the latest handbag from Louis Vuitton/Autumn Collection 09. People these days tend to get a heartbreak for everything.
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1762 – First occurrence of a woman paying palimony. Catherine the Great of Russia kills her doltish husband, Peter III and takes the throne for herself. During her 34-year reign, she takes many lovers, often letting her ladies test-drive the young stallions to make sure if they're up to the standards of pleasuring her. When a romance falls apart, she dismisses them with large chunks of cash or she just gives them a country to run.
1844 – First rubber condoms appear on the market. Also the first year that condoms burst at a really inopportune moment.
1847 – First mass-produced Valentine's Day cards are available in U.S. Also the first year when not receiving one from a lover could be used as a reason to breakup. However, many other products have since been launched to gain profit and to further increase the rate of breakups.
1937 – Ireland makes divorce illegal under all circumstances, despite the fact that 80% of its couples got married after seven beers.
1948 – Alfred Kinsey's "Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male" shocks America with its revelation that 50% of men have been unfaithful to their wives. Who knew it was so low?
1960 – The Food and Drug Administration approves the first birth control pill, ushering in an era when it's suddenly a lot easier to separate the act of sex from the idea of commitment.
1978 – The first test-tube baby was born in England, suggesting the redundancy of heterosexual copulation other than the desire of men and women to torture each other.
1984 – In Wisconsin, Ida and Simon Stern become the oldest couple in the world to get divorced. He's 97 and she's 91.
1995 – Ireland legalizes divorce after 50.28% of majority voting announce they're in favor of it.
1998 – The first lady stands by her man after President Bill Clinton gets caught with his pants down in the Oval Office and the evidence (semen) is preserved on a blue dress from GAP. Bob Dole gets a boner again after doctors start prescribing Viagra, giving older men more incentive than ever before to leave their wives for younger women.
2004 – Former President George W. Bush tries to pass a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.
2005– Everyone in Hollywood does some dumping, Brad and Jen, Denise and Charlie, Renee and Kenny. Making this the most important breakup year since 2004.
2008 – Hong Kong - intimate and private photographs of Edison Chen and various Hong Kong stars was leaked into the internet, shocking the world or rather the whole Asia. Edc has become pervert of the decade in many people's hearts, rivaled only by Colourwolf. In the West, however, the people seems to be cool about sex tapes of celebrities which in the long-run, publicize them instead.
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